by Anorak | 17th,
September 2018
No word on Madeleine
McCann in any of today’s printed tabloids. But there is is news on
the web. Following the non-news that the Met might or might not seek
money to continue Operation Grange, the investigation into the
disappearance of Madeleine McCann in 2007, the Express online
delivers: “Madeleine McCann’s father reveals mental health battle
in HEARTBREAKING interview.” As ever it was, the Press are watching
the parents.
Madeleine McCann’s
father will speak about the grief and depression he faced over losing
his daughter in a heartbreaking interview on Radio 4, in a bid to
remove the prejudice men face when talking about their feelings.
What prejudice? No TV or
radio show is complete without a man crying, whether it be over a DNA
test on mid-morning telly or a well-baked cake on prime time. “I
decided it was a good opportunity to say something about the special
bond between fathers and daughters,” says Gerry McCann, “thinking
that speaking openly might help other men in similar positions. It
feels like the right time.” Fir enough. But isn’t there is a
special bond between men and their children, regardless of gender.
The sane can surely sympathise with parent whose lost a child, but
why is this news? Someone from the BBC explains:
“We look at Gerry’s
experiences, his thoughts and feelings, and the wider context in
society of mental health issues surrounding a loss. Susan Roberts,
our producer, has already interviewed Gerry over the past few weeks,
it has been recorded and we are now doing the final edit. It’s very
emotional and helps get across the point of view of mental illness
associated with a loss or bereavement of a family member or friend,
that there is no stigma in men opening up and discussing emotions
with someone is important. In our show there is a parallel between
the poem of a father’s loss and the real life experience,
reflecting the two.”
Eh? Grief and loss is now
a form of mental illness? It’s not a human reaction to loss. It’s
a treatable condition. As for the tosh about men not emoting and
expressing themselves, how may poems has the producer ever read? What
about books, films, music and art? Did women write them all? As for
facts about the missing child, we’re told: “There have been 8,685
potential sightings of Madeleine in 101 countries, but all of them
have been ruled out.”
Over in the Mail, where
the BBC press release is an “exclusive”, we learn:
He will be interviewed by
poet Simon Armitage on a special Radio 4 show: Pearl: Two Fathers Two
Daughters. The show will weave together two voices of grief: Mr
McCann’s and that of an anonymous poet from 600 years ago who
laments the loss of his daughter in a poem entitled Pearl.
Mr Armitage, who wrote a
poem to mark the 1,000 days of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance,
has written a new translation of Pearl. We don’t know who wrote the
original version about the loss of a child and her father’s pain.
The New Yorker reviewed the poem steeped in New Testament imagery and
numerology in 2016. In one scene her father sees his lost daughter as
the bride of Christ:
In the poem, the narrator
visits the spot where a pearl once slipped from his grasp and got
lost among “Gilofre, gyngure, & gromylyoune, / & pyonys
powdered ay bytwene” (“ginger, gromwell, and gillyflower / with
peonies scattered in between”). Swooning into unconsciousness, he
comes to in a dream, in a place he has never been before, where
cliffs split the sky (“ther klyfez cleven”). Across a river, he
sees his pearl again, but now the “perle” is no mere thing—she
is a young girl, richly arrayed in an elaborate outfit covered in
pearls. Pearl also seems to be her name, or at least it is how the
man addresses her: “ ‘O perle,’ quod I . . . ‘Art thou my
perle?’ ” In reply, she calls him a jeweller, and he refers to
her as a gem (“ ‘Jueler,’ sayde that gemme clene”).
Overcome with joy at
finding his lost pearl, and unable fully to understand the
complicated things she says to him, the dreamer plunges into the
river to swim toward her. He is desperate to “swymme the remnaunt,
thagh I ther swalte”—to swim across, or die trying. This angers
the ruler of the celestial land, called the Prince: the dreamer does
not belong there. He is flung out of his dream as punishment. He
wakes up, and the poem ends with a short meditation on the glory of
God, and then the words “Amen. Amen.”
The child in Pearl is
dead. We do not know what happened to Madeleine McCann, save for her
vanishing.
On a final note the Mail
tells us:
The doctor’s new-found
openness to help others cope with loss comes after Prince Harry, now
Duke of Sussex, spoke about his struggles with mental health in a
groundbreaking podcast interview on May 2017 with the Daily
Telegraph’s Bryony Gordon for her revered ‘Mad World’ series.
The young royal spoke openly about bottling up his emotions and being
unable to grieve for years after the loss of his mother Princess
Diana, who was killed in a car crash in Paris in August 1997.
From Princess Diana to
Madeleine McCann. When private grief became celebrity mourning.
Madeleine McCann's father describes the 'terror' of her disappearance
Madeleine McCann's father
has described the "terror" and "disbelief" at
first realising his daughter was missing.
Madeleine, then aged
three, disappeared from a holiday apartment in Praia da Luz,
Portugal, in 2007, sparking a worldwide search for her whereabouts.
Gerry McCann said he had
not thought about "those moments" for a long time because
they were too "painful".
Mr McCann was speaking to
BBC Radio 4 for a programme about the relationship between fathers
and daughters. He said that he was sure
immediately that his daughter had been abducted. After being told by his
wife Kate that their daughter was missing, Mr McCann said "automation
kicked in" and he began searching the apartment.
"We started
searching more widely really quickly and then very quickly raised the
alarm," he said.
"You're in this
quiet little holiday resort - that seemed idyllic - out of season and
I certainly didn't speak Portuguese so I asked [our friend] Matt to
go to reception and ask them to call the police."
Que des mensonges ! Ils n'ont pas cherché, Matt dit que Fiona lui a demandé d'aller à la réception, Fiona dit qu'elle a demandé à Matt..
Mr McCann said he
remembered him and his wife being back in the bedroom "completely
distraught", adding their reaction was "almost feral".
"I couldn't get the
darkest thoughts out of our minds, that somebody had taken her and
abused her," he continued.
"I felt that every
moment that we couldn't find her was worse.
"I remember being
slumped on the floor and starting to call some of my family members
and just saying: 'Pray for her.'" Ça, c'est Kate qui disait..
Mr McCann, from Rothley,
Leicestershire, added that some parts of that night 11 years ago are
"blurred", but he remembers waiting "forever" for
the police to arrive.
Les gendarmes sont arrivés 20 minutes après l'appel de la récepion, ordonné par le gérant à 22h41.
"It just felt
terrible. We went then to another apartment, by which time it was
three or four in the morning and Kate was saying, 'I want to go back
out and search.'"I was saying: 'Just
wait until it gets light,' and Kate kept saying: 'It's so cold.'"
The Metropolitan Police
inquiry into the disappearance - known as Operation Grange - has been
ongoing since 2011.
Four people were
identified as suspects in 2013, but no further action was taken after
they were interviewed by Portuguese officers and the Met Police, who
visited the holiday resort in 2014.
The Home Office said last
week it is currently considering a police request for an extra six
months' funding for Operation Grange.
Pearl: Two Fathers, Two Daughters
BBC Radio 4 - 29.09.2018
transcrit par Jonal
POEM (“Pearl” translated and dramatised by Simon Armitage):
Beautiful pearl that would please a prince, fit to be mounted in finest gold, I say for certain that in all the East her precious equal I have never found.
So radiant and round, however revealed, so small, her skin so very smooth, of all the gems I judged and prize I set her apart, unparalleled.
But I lost my pearl in a garden of herbs; she slipped from me through grass to ground, and I mourn now, with a broken heart, for that priceless pearl without a spot.
Gerald MC : Kate was very keen that she get called Madeleine. And er, I would have shortened it, I'm sure I would've. Certainly where I grew up in Glasgow and with our family we shortened all of our names but er, and really early on if someone called her Maddie or Madds or something, then she would say: "No, my name is Madeleine!"
[poem omitted]
The relationship I had with Madeleine was incredibly special. I would say that between myself, Kate and Madeleine it was like an equilateral triangle.
Yeah, when Madeleine was very young she had really bad colic. After she fed, within thirty minutes she would get a lot of discomfort. And, we almost ran a shift system in terms of getting through it. When she had colic I used to put her on my chest and rub her back and er, one of the things she used to do was pull the hairs on my chest really tightly, which is quite painful! And er, it seemed to ease her burden a little bit. I felt (laughs) I was taking some of-some of it and I suppose all that contact time and skin-to-skin type contact, I did feel I formed a really strong bond with her at a very young age.
The following year er, before she was even one, we went to Amsterdam. For a year, which was for my work. And, I was then working pretty much eight till six, Monday to Friday and I didn't have any on-call and I didn't have any weekend duties, so I had an awful lot of quality time with Madeleine when it was just the three of us er, and that was a really special time you can't get back when children are really young.
Hormis les coliques, déjà rapportées par Kate MC (M*), éprouvantes pour les parents, et les poils malmenés, Gerald qualifie sa relation avec Madeleine comme "incroyablement spéciale", mais il ne dit jamais en quoi.
[poem extract]
She's absolutely amazing (sighs) Um, I-I do think back about this, a lot. You know, all parents think, that theirs child is- are amazing. And most children are amazing. But, some of the stuff that er, I was able to do with Madeleine - the conversations she could have, her character, personality... It's really... fantastic.
After, you know, the twins were conceived in-in Amsterdam and they were born, and er, so we used to get the twins down, especially on a Saturday night, and then Madeleine and I would sit down in our little snug and, there was two programmes in particular and it was like 'our hour' and one of them was David Tennant had started in Doctor Who, and it might say she was three, and it might seem, Oh god, you can't have a three-year-old watching Doctor Who, but she really loved it. Really loved it.
And er, I would often do the bedtime, with Madeleine in particular I'd start reading a story and lying down on her bed with her and she had these little stars er, that would glow in the night, above her bed. That was OUR time. Really our time.
[poem omitted]
But I lost my pearl in a garden of herbs; she slipped from me through grass to ground, and I mourn now, with a broken heart, for that priceless pearl without a spot.
Gerald MC : Kate was very keen that she get called Madeleine. And er, I would have shortened it, I'm sure I would've. Certainly where I grew up in Glasgow and with our family we shortened all of our names but er, and really early on if someone called her Maddie or Madds or something, then she would say: "No, my name is Madeleine!"
[poem omitted]
The relationship I had with Madeleine was incredibly special. I would say that between myself, Kate and Madeleine it was like an equilateral triangle.
Yeah, when Madeleine was very young she had really bad colic. After she fed, within thirty minutes she would get a lot of discomfort. And, we almost ran a shift system in terms of getting through it. When she had colic I used to put her on my chest and rub her back and er, one of the things she used to do was pull the hairs on my chest really tightly, which is quite painful! And er, it seemed to ease her burden a little bit. I felt (laughs) I was taking some of-some of it and I suppose all that contact time and skin-to-skin type contact, I did feel I formed a really strong bond with her at a very young age.
The following year er, before she was even one, we went to Amsterdam. For a year, which was for my work. And, I was then working pretty much eight till six, Monday to Friday and I didn't have any on-call and I didn't have any weekend duties, so I had an awful lot of quality time with Madeleine when it was just the three of us er, and that was a really special time you can't get back when children are really young.
Hormis les coliques, déjà rapportées par Kate MC (M*), éprouvantes pour les parents, et les poils malmenés, Gerald qualifie sa relation avec Madeleine comme "incroyablement spéciale", mais il ne dit jamais en quoi.
[poem extract]
She's absolutely amazing (sighs) Um, I-I do think back about this, a lot. You know, all parents think, that theirs child is- are amazing. And most children are amazing. But, some of the stuff that er, I was able to do with Madeleine - the conversations she could have, her character, personality... It's really... fantastic.
After, you know, the twins were conceived in-in Amsterdam and they were born, and er, so we used to get the twins down, especially on a Saturday night, and then Madeleine and I would sit down in our little snug and, there was two programmes in particular and it was like 'our hour' and one of them was David Tennant had started in Doctor Who, and it might say she was three, and it might seem, Oh god, you can't have a three-year-old watching Doctor Who, but she really loved it. Really loved it.
And er, I would often do the bedtime, with Madeleine in particular I'd start reading a story and lying down on her bed with her and she had these little stars er, that would glow in the night, above her bed. That was OUR time. Really our time.
[poem omitted]
And she loved-
y'know, I like my sport, and er, she really loved running round the
garden, and playing games and... being chased, and laughing. These are
the-the things I really remember. And swimming. She loved swimming.
That-that's whuh, so that's the other thing that was-was pretty unique
about- you'd take her along to... the swimmin- the local leisure centre,
to swimming pool, and she would just march out there, right round
the-the pool to her instructor with her cap on, goggles, smiling. No
anxiety, fear about it. She was in there.
Tout ce que l'on apprend de Madeleine est qu'elle adorait Dr Who (Kate l'avait déjà souligné), qu'elle avait des étoiles au dessus de son lit et qu'elle aimait nager. Gerald n'aurait-il rien de plus à dire ?
[poem omitted]
I can't remember how it arose, between friends Dave and Fiona, and Matt, and Russ and Jane about about the idea of going to Praia da Luz. We went, uh, it was last week in April, and the weather wasn't that good, and it was really windy, and the pool - the big outdoor pool - wasn't heated and, we'd been up early so I-I remember feeling tired, 'cause we'd travelled, and... so I remember I'm getting there and she just said: "Let's go swimming, let's go swimming!"
Tout ce que l'on apprend de Madeleine est qu'elle adorait Dr Who (Kate l'avait déjà souligné), qu'elle avait des étoiles au dessus de son lit et qu'elle aimait nager. Gerald n'aurait-il rien de plus à dire ?
[poem omitted]
I can't remember how it arose, between friends Dave and Fiona, and Matt, and Russ and Jane about about the idea of going to Praia da Luz. We went, uh, it was last week in April, and the weather wasn't that good, and it was really windy, and the pool - the big outdoor pool - wasn't heated and, we'd been up early so I-I remember feeling tired, 'cause we'd travelled, and... so I remember I'm getting there and she just said: "Let's go swimming, let's go swimming!"
Madeleine was
dragging Kate, and she took her into this pool. And Madeleine lasted
quite a bit longer than Kate, 'cause Kate doesn't have much insulation.
But she was straight in. That's us just arrived, she saw the pool and
she was like: "Swimming!"
[poem omitted]
That actual evening, on the Thursday when we went out. (sighs) It was really when Kate came... r-running back from the apartment screaming. On the night. That was the first... thing that... raised any (well!) it w- it wasn't just raising alarm bells at that point, I mean it was all-out... And I just, it was... complete shock. And Kate was screaming, "Madeleine's missing, she's gone", and I was like: "She can't be gone". And running in. I was like looking in the bedroom, she wasn't there, and then checking everywhere in the apartment in- even in places I knew she couldn't be, under kitchen sink, in cupboards and- (sigh) and it was disbelief. When she said Madeleine's missing. Disbelief, shock, horror. And then panic, and-and terror. 'Cause I could only think of one scenario. At that time.L'émission était censée aborder les liens privilégiés entre pères et filles et la peine éprouvée par un père qui a perdu son enfant. Gerald narre sa version de ce qui est arrivé et non ce qu'il a ressenti à propos de ce qui est arrivé.
[poem omitted]
Yeah. (sighs) So, I haven't thought about... those... moments for a long time, those specific moments, because you can imagine it's pretty... painful. I don't know if-if almost automation kicked in, where, it was like, "Okay, search".
Dave, Russell I think, went outside, round the apartment. So we started searching, more widely, really quickly and then very quickly (sigh) raised the alarm. (sigh) I mean, you're in this quiet little holiday resort - that seemed idyllic - out of season, and I certainly didn't speak Portuguese so I know I asked Matt to-to go to the reception and ask them to call the police. And I was sure she had been abducted.
Pourquoi est-il si important de marteler ce double mensonge ("very quickly" et "asked Matt")
[poem omitted]
That actual evening, on the Thursday when we went out. (sighs) It was really when Kate came... r-running back from the apartment screaming. On the night. That was the first... thing that... raised any (well!) it w- it wasn't just raising alarm bells at that point, I mean it was all-out... And I just, it was... complete shock. And Kate was screaming, "Madeleine's missing, she's gone", and I was like: "She can't be gone". And running in. I was like looking in the bedroom, she wasn't there, and then checking everywhere in the apartment in- even in places I knew she couldn't be, under kitchen sink, in cupboards and- (sigh) and it was disbelief. When she said Madeleine's missing. Disbelief, shock, horror. And then panic, and-and terror. 'Cause I could only think of one scenario. At that time.L'émission était censée aborder les liens privilégiés entre pères et filles et la peine éprouvée par un père qui a perdu son enfant. Gerald narre sa version de ce qui est arrivé et non ce qu'il a ressenti à propos de ce qui est arrivé.
[poem omitted]
Yeah. (sighs) So, I haven't thought about... those... moments for a long time, those specific moments, because you can imagine it's pretty... painful. I don't know if-if almost automation kicked in, where, it was like, "Okay, search".
Dave, Russell I think, went outside, round the apartment. So we started searching, more widely, really quickly and then very quickly (sigh) raised the alarm. (sigh) I mean, you're in this quiet little holiday resort - that seemed idyllic - out of season, and I certainly didn't speak Portuguese so I know I asked Matt to-to go to the reception and ask them to call the police. And I was sure she had been abducted.
Pourquoi est-il si important de marteler ce double mensonge ("very quickly" et "asked Matt")
"alors nous avons commencé à chercher de manière plus extensive" donne l'impression qu'ils cherchaient.
"Kate disait vouloir revenir en arrière et chercher" donne l'impression qu'ils avaient cherché avant.
"Puis de nouveau à la première heure, dès que la lumière est revenue, Kate et moi sommes resortis" donne l'impression qu'ils étaient déjà sortis. Mais nous savons qu'ils n'ont pas cherché du tout. Ils sont peut-être sortis, mais ce n'était certainement pas pour chercher.
[poem omitted]
You know... (sighs) I think... I remember just being in... the bedroom, distraught. The two of us, just completely distraught. It was almost feral, the reaction, and the pain. Feeling... helpless, alone. Alone together, but er, it was just... the most painful... realisation. And I couldn't get the darkest thoughts... out of our minds, that, you know, somebody had taken her and abused her. And it felt that every moment that we couldn't find her, you know, was worse. And... I remember being slumped, (sigh) on the floor, and starting to call some of my family members. And um, just saying: "Pray for her". Because I thought that was the only thing that might help at that point. See, I've been brought up Catholic, and um, wasn't particularly religious (laugh) but that was my (laugh) reaction. And, at that point I certainly wanted to believe there was a God and hope that... it would help.
"Kate disait vouloir revenir en arrière et chercher" donne l'impression qu'ils avaient cherché avant.
"Puis de nouveau à la première heure, dès que la lumière est revenue, Kate et moi sommes resortis" donne l'impression qu'ils étaient déjà sortis. Mais nous savons qu'ils n'ont pas cherché du tout. Ils sont peut-être sortis, mais ce n'était certainement pas pour chercher.
[poem omitted]
You know... (sighs) I think... I remember just being in... the bedroom, distraught. The two of us, just completely distraught. It was almost feral, the reaction, and the pain. Feeling... helpless, alone. Alone together, but er, it was just... the most painful... realisation. And I couldn't get the darkest thoughts... out of our minds, that, you know, somebody had taken her and abused her. And it felt that every moment that we couldn't find her, you know, was worse. And... I remember being slumped, (sigh) on the floor, and starting to call some of my family members. And um, just saying: "Pray for her". Because I thought that was the only thing that might help at that point. See, I've been brought up Catholic, and um, wasn't particularly religious (laugh) but that was my (laugh) reaction. And, at that point I certainly wanted to believe there was a God and hope that... it would help.
C'est Kate qui s'est chargée de tous les appels à la prière.C'est la partie la plus décousue de l'entretien, avec de nombreux soupirs et pauses. Gerald dit que ses "pensées les plus sombres" se sont immédiatement imposées, que chaque minute sans la trouver était
pire que la précédente. Ensuite, il raconte qu'il s'est
effondré sur le sol et a commencé à appeler ses proches (relation de cause à effet ?)
[poem omitted]
I honestly, if it is- that bit for me IS blurred, I can't-can't really remember in-in the order now about, the police seemed to take forever to arrive. Il dit "seemed", mais l'impression de lenteur policière est insinuée. So I think it was probably (sigh) in those... hours... after they come and taken some st- brief statements and, and then just kind of left us. And, we were alone, we were still in the apartment, and-and then we just felt... terrible. And I know then we-we went... to another apartment. Les policiers ne sont partis qu'à 4h du matin et après le changemen d'appartement. Ils ont fermé le 5A à clef, gardé par les gendarmes. Les Er, by which time it was (sigh) er, three or four in the morning, and Kate was saying, "I want to go back out and search", and... I said, "Just wait until it gets light". And Kate was, kept saying, "It's so cold". Les rues étaient alors encore pleines des gens qui toute la nuit et dans le froid ont cherché une petite fille qu'ils ne connaissaient pas. There was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, that we couldn't do anything. That was the- and I think that 'experience' that we were feeling, right at the centre of it, was like um, a ripple or a tidal wave going out and crashing into all of our family and friends as they heard what had happened.Il est très difficile non seulement de s'identifier à un père qui ne cherche pas, sans relâche, sa petite fille de 3 ans disparue dans le froid en pyjama, parce qu'il fait trop sombre, mais de s'identifier à un père qui raconte ça sans regret, comme si c'était normal.
[poem omitted]
I mean, that first night was, I-I felt like it lasted forever. Um, obviously didn't sleep (tut) and... went out (sigh) again (sigh) Kate en tout cas n'était pas encore sortie first thing as soon as it was light, Kate and I went back out, walking round the streets of Praia da Luz shouting Madeleine's name and dogs barking, and it's deserted. And, when we came back, we came back sort of between eight and nine Pas selon Fiona qui situe leur sortie à 5h (Kate MC à 6h dans M*) et pour une heure seulement (Fiona et Kate) the police arrived and then, told us they wanted to take us to Portimao for formal statements. And then, the whole day was spent in the police station.
I mean, I know that at the time it felt like to us nothing was happening, and I was... devastated. I was expecting a Metropolitan-type response. I remember asking the police when they arrived to get a helicopter with seek- heat-seeking equipment. And they thought that somebody could be across the border into borderless Europe, driving her. Or Africa, the ports a couple of hours away. I remember thinking that, get the borders closed. It just felt like there should be roadblocks or something happening.
When we came back, it was dark again, and then I was just absolutely amazed when we drove back into Praia da Luz that there was hundreds of media, there. I don't think I knew anyone had contacted media at that point. Ce n'est pas vrai, Rachael, David ! My first reaction was (huh) you know, any privacy we (huh!) was out the window, I remember that. Thinking that. We got drove up to the apartment having seen abuses of people in horrible circumstances over many, many times. And, when we went into the apartment there was someone from the consulate there. And then suddenly I thought, "We could appeal". (Hm!) maybe someone could come forward. And, there was no-one really in control. No-one giving advice. And I just scribbled whatever I said, down. Pourquoi ? And um, we went down and, just there was lights and cameras and loads and loads of journalists. And I suppose I felt like I was doing something that could be positive.
Quelque chose qui allait convaincre le monde que MMC avait été enlevée.
Gerald commence cette partie en démentant qu'il ait dormi, combien ça a été dur (ce dont nul ne doute). Police se révélant inutile, le père héroïque prend les choses en main.
[poem omitted]
It's like the sickest you've ever been. It's like: couldn't eat, you could almost not drink. I mean, it's the worst of the-the adrenaline, fear, anxiety that manifests itself in, you know, quite dramatic physical symptoms. I know lots of people have said it, "I can't imagine what your loss is like", but everyone has felt that panic, in a supermarket, or a shop, or a sporting event where you lose contact for seconds. So people know what that's like. Every parent has felt that, and they know. I mean, you put it in a situation and, it was magnified, but that in terms of... surviving...
Comme si souvent, Gerald est incapable de se maintenir à la première personne lorsqu'il tente de décrire les émotions qu'il prétend ressentir. Donc "je n'avais jamais été aussi malade, je ne pouvais pas manger, je pouvais à peine boire" est remplacé par "c'est comme être aussi malade que vous ne l'avez jamais été, vous ne pouvez manger, vous pouvez à peine boire". C'est comme si l'émotion n'était pas suffisante pour en parler de manière convaincante, à moins de rester à distance. Bizarre effet.
After I did- went out and did the appeal, asking for information and people to come forward, we come in back up to the apartment and... a counsellor had arrived, Alan. He'd said, you know, "I'm there". And at the time I just didn't think I'd be the sort of person that would... need counselling. Or respond to it. And he was great, and just said, "Well, I'm here, you can call me, any time".
[poem omitted]
I honestly, if it is- that bit for me IS blurred, I can't-can't really remember in-in the order now about, the police seemed to take forever to arrive. Il dit "seemed", mais l'impression de lenteur policière est insinuée. So I think it was probably (sigh) in those... hours... after they come and taken some st- brief statements and, and then just kind of left us. And, we were alone, we were still in the apartment, and-and then we just felt... terrible. And I know then we-we went... to another apartment. Les policiers ne sont partis qu'à 4h du matin et après le changemen d'appartement. Ils ont fermé le 5A à clef, gardé par les gendarmes. Les Er, by which time it was (sigh) er, three or four in the morning, and Kate was saying, "I want to go back out and search", and... I said, "Just wait until it gets light". And Kate was, kept saying, "It's so cold". Les rues étaient alors encore pleines des gens qui toute la nuit et dans le froid ont cherché une petite fille qu'ils ne connaissaient pas. There was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, that we couldn't do anything. That was the- and I think that 'experience' that we were feeling, right at the centre of it, was like um, a ripple or a tidal wave going out and crashing into all of our family and friends as they heard what had happened.Il est très difficile non seulement de s'identifier à un père qui ne cherche pas, sans relâche, sa petite fille de 3 ans disparue dans le froid en pyjama, parce qu'il fait trop sombre, mais de s'identifier à un père qui raconte ça sans regret, comme si c'était normal.
[poem omitted]
I mean, that first night was, I-I felt like it lasted forever. Um, obviously didn't sleep (tut) and... went out (sigh) again (sigh) Kate en tout cas n'était pas encore sortie first thing as soon as it was light, Kate and I went back out, walking round the streets of Praia da Luz shouting Madeleine's name and dogs barking, and it's deserted. And, when we came back, we came back sort of between eight and nine Pas selon Fiona qui situe leur sortie à 5h (Kate MC à 6h dans M*) et pour une heure seulement (Fiona et Kate) the police arrived and then, told us they wanted to take us to Portimao for formal statements. And then, the whole day was spent in the police station.
I mean, I know that at the time it felt like to us nothing was happening, and I was... devastated. I was expecting a Metropolitan-type response. I remember asking the police when they arrived to get a helicopter with seek- heat-seeking equipment. And they thought that somebody could be across the border into borderless Europe, driving her. Or Africa, the ports a couple of hours away. I remember thinking that, get the borders closed. It just felt like there should be roadblocks or something happening.
When we came back, it was dark again, and then I was just absolutely amazed when we drove back into Praia da Luz that there was hundreds of media, there. I don't think I knew anyone had contacted media at that point. Ce n'est pas vrai, Rachael, David ! My first reaction was (huh) you know, any privacy we (huh!) was out the window, I remember that. Thinking that. We got drove up to the apartment having seen abuses of people in horrible circumstances over many, many times. And, when we went into the apartment there was someone from the consulate there. And then suddenly I thought, "We could appeal". (Hm!) maybe someone could come forward. And, there was no-one really in control. No-one giving advice. And I just scribbled whatever I said, down. Pourquoi ? And um, we went down and, just there was lights and cameras and loads and loads of journalists. And I suppose I felt like I was doing something that could be positive.
Quelque chose qui allait convaincre le monde que MMC avait été enlevée.
Gerald commence cette partie en démentant qu'il ait dormi, combien ça a été dur (ce dont nul ne doute). Police se révélant inutile, le père héroïque prend les choses en main.
[poem omitted]
It's like the sickest you've ever been. It's like: couldn't eat, you could almost not drink. I mean, it's the worst of the-the adrenaline, fear, anxiety that manifests itself in, you know, quite dramatic physical symptoms. I know lots of people have said it, "I can't imagine what your loss is like", but everyone has felt that panic, in a supermarket, or a shop, or a sporting event where you lose contact for seconds. So people know what that's like. Every parent has felt that, and they know. I mean, you put it in a situation and, it was magnified, but that in terms of... surviving...
Comme si souvent, Gerald est incapable de se maintenir à la première personne lorsqu'il tente de décrire les émotions qu'il prétend ressentir. Donc "je n'avais jamais été aussi malade, je ne pouvais pas manger, je pouvais à peine boire" est remplacé par "c'est comme être aussi malade que vous ne l'avez jamais été, vous ne pouvez manger, vous pouvez à peine boire". C'est comme si l'émotion n'était pas suffisante pour en parler de manière convaincante, à moins de rester à distance. Bizarre effet.
After I did- went out and did the appeal, asking for information and people to come forward, we come in back up to the apartment and... a counsellor had arrived, Alan. He'd said, you know, "I'm there". And at the time I just didn't think I'd be the sort of person that would... need counselling. Or respond to it. And he was great, and just said, "Well, I'm here, you can call me, any time".
And
then when we did finally go to bed, in the dark, and we couldn't sleep.
I could just hear the wind howling. It was really windy that whole
week, but the wind (laugh) that particular night was howling round the
apartments. Shutters rattling, and... Pas de rafales de vent.
[poem omitted]
And we were getting (short sigh) more and more distraught. I think, I can't remember some time between four and five, one of us said let-let's phone Alan. And he came round to the apartment. He started talking to us and-and it was interesting 'cause h-he started off asking just about our normal life, our week at home and what it was like and imagine the feelings we had and how - I mean, this has been misconstrued many times, but Kate had said you know, "I'd let her down, I let her down, I wasn't there for her" and that feeling of guilt that-that we both had and that we had somehow let this happen, or gave someone an opportunity, is the way I can perceive it now but at the time it was guilt - that we were partly responsible for allowing someone to steal our daughter.
[poem omitted]
And we were getting (short sigh) more and more distraught. I think, I can't remember some time between four and five, one of us said let-let's phone Alan. And he came round to the apartment. He started talking to us and-and it was interesting 'cause h-he started off asking just about our normal life, our week at home and what it was like and imagine the feelings we had and how - I mean, this has been misconstrued many times, but Kate had said you know, "I'd let her down, I let her down, I wasn't there for her" and that feeling of guilt that-that we both had and that we had somehow let this happen, or gave someone an opportunity, is the way I can perceive it now but at the time it was guilt - that we were partly responsible for allowing someone to steal our daughter.
And
erm, after listening to us, Alan just said: "You sound like (laughs)
model parents". And er, I suppose at the time... that was something we
probably really needed to hear. [sound of breathing]Et voila. Gerald ne peut s'empêcher de lâcher la bombe des "parents modèles", l'auditeur informé aura au moins levé un sourcil.
[poem omitted]
We were paddling furiously under the water just to keep our nose above the surface. I was so close to drowning. That's what it felt like.
[poem omitted]
We were paddling furiously under the water just to keep our nose above the surface. I was so close to drowning. That's what it felt like.
Lack
of information about what was happening, that was the hard- I think, in
medicine and I think every walk of life, the worst thing for anyone is
not knowing what's happening, and lack of information, and that was-
that was almost paralysing. N'est-ce pas précisément ce qu'ils devraient ressentir puisqu'ils croient ou veulent croire MMC en vie ?
Without a doubt the family's
support's incredibly important. At times we were just crumbling. I'd
just go into the bedroom and lie down and cry. And that happened for a
very long time afterwards or got triggered by something: a song, an
emotion, a- And sometimes letting that emotional release happen was
important.
But, you know, how we responded I think was very
different after the first 36 or 48 hours whatever it was. Almost like a
switch clicked for me. It took Kate much, much longer to get into that
mode.
It's quite hard to describe because it-it was, it felt
transformative and we had gone down to the church quite a bit. I suppose
now you know, I was- we probably call it mindfulness, I was just 'no
distraction' and I was thinking, and I had the closest thing (laugh) I'm
sure that I've ever had to a vision but I-I felt like we were in a
tunnel and it was really dark, and that's what it felt like. But on this
particular day, I could just see that the tunnel had a- an ending, and
there was light, and then the light was getting bigger and brighter, and
that to me was like a symbol that we could do things that would make
our-our goal, of finding Madeleine more achievable.Gerald a probablement eu une sorte de vision l'assurant qu'ils s'en sortiraient.
[poem omitted]
We had a tremendous amount of support from the community, and... I-I did pray a lot, especially in the first months. Tiens, pourquoi pas après ? The church is shared between the Catholics and the Church of England and um, I can't remember who gave her the key but, I think one of the-the key moments was I think the first Sunday mass was Mothering Sunday that we went to? And we were down the front, and every woman in the-the congregation came up, and held our hands and said: "Strength - esperança". And that... made me feel stronger. Having that level of support.
[poem omitted]
My (huh) spirituality has waxed and waned throughout my whole life, but I suppose... has always been there to some extent in the background and Kate and I are both Catholic. We had a-a quite earnest discussion about whether or not we would bring Madeleine up Catholic, although I-I was not as you might say devout, certainly far from it, but, we made a decision that it- we felt it's a really good... principle to guide our own lives and um, that we thought it would be a good thing to do, so we made a conscious decision, so we b- we became a bit more involved in the church again. We chose to have her baptised there in Liverpool.
[poem omitted]
(sigh) I think that's back to what I was really saying, though: mine's (spirituality) has always waxed and waned. I say Kate's hasn't but mine's has and, yeah, I've found it harder with all those millions and millions of prayers to accept that that's had an influence. Or hasn't had a better outcome, with so many people praying, and I find that very difficult to accept. Quand même!
[poem omitted]
We had a tremendous amount of support from the community, and... I-I did pray a lot, especially in the first months. Tiens, pourquoi pas après ? The church is shared between the Catholics and the Church of England and um, I can't remember who gave her the key but, I think one of the-the key moments was I think the first Sunday mass was Mothering Sunday that we went to? And we were down the front, and every woman in the-the congregation came up, and held our hands and said: "Strength - esperança". And that... made me feel stronger. Having that level of support.
[poem omitted]
My (huh) spirituality has waxed and waned throughout my whole life, but I suppose... has always been there to some extent in the background and Kate and I are both Catholic. We had a-a quite earnest discussion about whether or not we would bring Madeleine up Catholic, although I-I was not as you might say devout, certainly far from it, but, we made a decision that it- we felt it's a really good... principle to guide our own lives and um, that we thought it would be a good thing to do, so we made a conscious decision, so we b- we became a bit more involved in the church again. We chose to have her baptised there in Liverpool.
[poem omitted]
(sigh) I think that's back to what I was really saying, though: mine's (spirituality) has always waxed and waned. I say Kate's hasn't but mine's has and, yeah, I've found it harder with all those millions and millions of prayers to accept that that's had an influence. Or hasn't had a better outcome, with so many people praying, and I find that very difficult to accept. Quand même!
Tant de prières et aucun résultat !
[poem omitted]
Very early on... you know, we were saying, "We're not leaving without Madeleine". And that's what it felt like. We had pre-school kids, and that was certainly how I felt in the first month or two. But it became very, very apparent to me from the end of July through August that... us staying in Portugal was actually making the situation worse. Les chiens sont arrivés à la fin de juillet. And it was being counterproductive whether we liked it or not. It certainly felt like to me that... the problem just had to go away. And that er, Portugal's reputation was being damaged, and being kept informed of progress was really what we wanted. Ils sont partis pour sauver la réputation du Portugal ? Qui l'eut cru ?
[poem omitted]
Very early on... you know, we were saying, "We're not leaving without Madeleine". And that's what it felt like. We had pre-school kids, and that was certainly how I felt in the first month or two. But it became very, very apparent to me from the end of July through August that... us staying in Portugal was actually making the situation worse. Les chiens sont arrivés à la fin de juillet. And it was being counterproductive whether we liked it or not. It certainly felt like to me that... the problem just had to go away. And that er, Portugal's reputation was being damaged, and being kept informed of progress was really what we wanted. Ils sont partis pour sauver la réputation du Portugal ? Qui l'eut cru ?
We'd stayed to stay close to
where Madeleine was, but once... this kind of spotlight had turned on
us, I said to Kate, in August, we needed to leave. Il se garde bien de parler du 8 août.. D'ailleurs il savait qu'à partir de cette réunion informelle ils ne pouvaient plus partir.
So it felt
like we were ripped (sigh) um, but at that point it was clearly, after
we were made arguido, it was impossible and unbearable. And you know, we
did, of course ask for permission, to leave, but that whole journey to
the airport is just, like something out of a horror movie. Like, we
were- the whole thing was like a nightmare but it was- it was the worst
bit where, everything turns, just... Que veut-il dire ?
[poem omitted]
I mean, Madeleine's room's pretty much as it was. There's um, a wardrobe full of presents. Christmas and birthdates and other special occasions. But it's- the decoration's the same. And, bedding. And the stars are still up there, the last time I was in. So it's pretty much the same. And for a long time we couldn't let people in her room. Almost felt like it was defiling Madeleine, that Madeleine's memory. The thought of even selling our house and thinking that people would see Madeleine's room, is not very appealing.
[poem omitted]
I mean, Madeleine's room's pretty much as it was. There's um, a wardrobe full of presents. Christmas and birthdates and other special occasions. But it's- the decoration's the same. And, bedding. And the stars are still up there, the last time I was in. So it's pretty much the same. And for a long time we couldn't let people in her room. Almost felt like it was defiling Madeleine, that Madeleine's memory. The thought of even selling our house and thinking that people would see Madeleine's room, is not very appealing.
Une chambre entre musée et sanctuaire.
[poem omitted]
[poem omitted]
Yeah, that
first month or two was really um, was busy. And obviously that- it was
fairly quick, it was about ten days where they obviously announced there
weren't going to be any charges but, by that point I'd completely lost
any faith in the Portuguese police and it was, to me there was an
orchestrated media campaign that was trying to make us look guilty. And
then the British press were worse by just picking it up and splashing-
often things that were buried in small print of a newspaper and
splashing it as front page headlines.
Yeah, the-the whole of that
first fifteen months just felt like one acute severe episode of grief
and loss and pain, and compounded and pain by things reported as fact
that was nothing more than speculation or lies. That had a huge impact
on us, and I think the hardest bit was e-each of us was struggling so
much that it was actually hard to support each other.
Thankfully,
the days where both of us were having a really bad day were infrequent.
So, supporting each other and having a common goal. And I think for us
that enormous amount of family and friend support that we had that- it
just enabled us to function. And we got a huge amount of support from
ordinary people. But it was touch and go. There were periods where you
just felt that you were going under. And it was often late at night,
when you are tired, and of course your sleep gets disturbed but- and
getting through the nights was the hardest. If a thing that kept us-
really for us, the twins.
Ici encore, on voit à quel point l'émotion sous contrôle échappe en fait à Gerald, incapable de l'exprimer.
Ici encore, on voit à quel point l'émotion sous contrôle échappe en fait à Gerald, incapable de l'exprimer.
Having two other children, trying to
make sure that they had enough love and attention that they deserved,
individually in their own rights, was incredibly important, and thank
God. And I-I don't know what it would be like if- I mean, Madeleine the
special bond with-with me and with Kate and our first child and how hard
we tried to have children... but it would have been even worse if she
had been our only child, because we needed the two young people who are
part of us, who needed that support.
[poem omitted]
There's never a day goes by where I-I don't think about Madeleine and the situation, and what might have happened. That now – and we're eleven years down the line, but - over the course and particularly since the Metropolitan Police started investigating, six-and-a-half years ago, or nearly seven, SEPT ANS et DEMI we've had a new normality: that our day-to-day life is a family of four and not a family of five. And although Madeleine will always be part of it, you adapt to - it's terrible to say, and it sounds cold - but you can't live the way we lived (laughs) for fifteen months. You can't. You-you get drained, and exhausted. (sighs) You've crutches. Whether it be people, distraction. You cannot live like that. You can't live for that emotion on a day-to-day basis. It completely drains you. L'enquête de SY a dissipé les émotions ! La distanciation linguistique à nouveau, absence du pronom personnel. Gerry parle d'émotions et de sentiments, mais en laissant tomber le pronom personnel. Il raconte les émotions qu'il pense devoir ressentir, sans les ressentir lui-même. Peut-être parce qu'il doit cacher d'autres émotions.
[poem omitted]
Often, you know, clearly my memories - and happy memories - are of a girl who was almost four. But, you look at Amelie and how she's developed, and you can't help but think, what would she look like? And, anniversaries are obviously really difficult, and birthdays in particular. But also seeing Sean and Amelie go through all the stages that I imagine Madeleine would and that I'd be seeing her and part of it, and when we were running around the garden and seeing her swimming and seeing how good Sean and Amelie are at these things. I do often think, what it would be like with Madeleine there.
[poem omitted]
There's never a day goes by where I-I don't think about Madeleine and the situation, and what might have happened. That now – and we're eleven years down the line, but - over the course and particularly since the Metropolitan Police started investigating, six-and-a-half years ago, or nearly seven, SEPT ANS et DEMI we've had a new normality: that our day-to-day life is a family of four and not a family of five. And although Madeleine will always be part of it, you adapt to - it's terrible to say, and it sounds cold - but you can't live the way we lived (laughs) for fifteen months. You can't. You-you get drained, and exhausted. (sighs) You've crutches. Whether it be people, distraction. You cannot live like that. You can't live for that emotion on a day-to-day basis. It completely drains you. L'enquête de SY a dissipé les émotions ! La distanciation linguistique à nouveau, absence du pronom personnel. Gerry parle d'émotions et de sentiments, mais en laissant tomber le pronom personnel. Il raconte les émotions qu'il pense devoir ressentir, sans les ressentir lui-même. Peut-être parce qu'il doit cacher d'autres émotions.
[poem omitted]
Often, you know, clearly my memories - and happy memories - are of a girl who was almost four. But, you look at Amelie and how she's developed, and you can't help but think, what would she look like? And, anniversaries are obviously really difficult, and birthdays in particular. But also seeing Sean and Amelie go through all the stages that I imagine Madeleine would and that I'd be seeing her and part of it, and when we were running around the garden and seeing her swimming and seeing how good Sean and Amelie are at these things. I do often think, what it would be like with Madeleine there.
And, thank God Sean and
Amelie have had each other, but what they have missed out having such a
lovely big sister is very painful. And, I've not done it for a while but
watching the home videos that we have with them, the three of them
together.
And I've got photographs up all round the house. That
hasn't changed, of the three of them, but yeah, the first day when she
should have gone to school. That autumn. But seeing your twins who are
twenty-one months younger than Madeleine going to secondary school and
er, you- you know, doing science and French, and you can't help but
think, that's what Madeleine should be doing.
Ce passage est intéressant car, pour une fois, il laisse tomber le langage distancié, il imagine ce qu’elle serait maintenant, la seule partie vraiment sincère de l’entretien.
[poem omitted]
I have dreamt about her (sighs) um, including you know, in-in the last few months, but it- it's-it's not frequent. They're painful when they happen.
[poem omitted]
I thought about it a lot early on, and... what I was absolutely confident about is... whatever had happened, Madeleine was still alive, and is still alive, but we could cope. And she would be be in the right place. What does he mean ? That's how I felt about it. And I think, and I have thought about it recently and I just want to hug her, and hold her, and cry. A lot. And I would just deal with that situation as it arose. I have thought at various points, yeah, what it would mean just stepping back from everything else.
[poem omitted]
Ce passage est intéressant car, pour une fois, il laisse tomber le langage distancié, il imagine ce qu’elle serait maintenant, la seule partie vraiment sincère de l’entretien.
[poem omitted]
I have dreamt about her (sighs) um, including you know, in-in the last few months, but it- it's-it's not frequent. They're painful when they happen.
[poem omitted]
I thought about it a lot early on, and... what I was absolutely confident about is... whatever had happened, Madeleine was still alive, and is still alive, but we could cope. And she would be be in the right place. What does he mean ? That's how I felt about it. And I think, and I have thought about it recently and I just want to hug her, and hold her, and cry. A lot. And I would just deal with that situation as it arose. I have thought at various points, yeah, what it would mean just stepping back from everything else.
[poem omitted]
I
think that's the-the thing that I've seen over and over again. You
adapt to your situation, and I think it's human nature. And the amount
of people who have said to us, "I don't know how you've coped" and "I
know I wouldn't have coped", but actually you see it all the time when
people are fighting illness, or deaths of parents or children or other
incredible tragedies, come through over and over. We're incredibly
resilient, for the most part. And people help you. And time... makes the
pain ease.
The grief and the loss and the pain, some of the pain
we have is not known, but I certainly don't wish her dead. And it's not
a trade-off at any point. Il la préfère aux mains des pédophiles ?
I certainly did believe in Heaven.
Right now? (laughs) But, I do almost think that, again it's almost like
an instinctive reaction. I feel... and it's just a feeling - I feel we
will be reunited. At some point. [sniffling]
[poem omitted]
Le seul moment où Gerald semble honnête, c’est lorsqu’il s’écarte de ce qui est devenu un script bien rodé. Il semble que tout ce qu'il veut vraiment, c'est tourner la page. C'est comme si l'entretien se composait de deux parties distinctes. Tout en sachant que ça n'arrivera jamais.
[poem omitted]
Le seul moment où Gerald semble honnête, c’est lorsqu’il s’écarte de ce qui est devenu un script bien rodé. Il semble que tout ce qu'il veut vraiment, c'est tourner la page. C'est comme si l'entretien se composait de deux parties distinctes. Tout en sachant que ça n'arrivera jamais.
Donc,
quand MMC a disparu, les parents s’attendaient à la retrouver
cachée dans l’appartement ou quelque part dans les environs
immédiats. Pas de volet fracturé, de fenêtre ouverte ni de rideaux
volants dans cette nouvelle version des événements!
(Ne
la trouvant pas) les MC ont conclu qu'elle avait été enlevée par
un pédophile. Les statistiques, on le sait, montrent que dans la
grande majorité des cas, les enfants sont abandonnés peu de temps
après l'enlèvement et localement, mais les MC ne l'ont pas cherchée
dans les parages, vivante ou morte, car il faisait noir! Des tas de
gens qui n'avaient jamais vu la fillette la cherchaient au coeur de
la nuit tout en appelant son nom, mais les parents attendaient que le
jour se lève tout en remarquant qu'il faisait froid.
Il
ne savait pas que les médias avaient été contactés (par certains
membres de leur groupe) -
Aucune
mention de Tannerman.
Gerry
n'arrive toujours pas à se sentir coupable d'une négligence
mi-avouée vis-à-vis de la sécurité de ses enfants. Ils n'étaient
que "en partie" responsables! Ce sont des "parents
modèles"!
Ils
se sont effondrés pendant un bon moment après. "Cela a pris
beaucoup plus de temps à Kate", mais elle dit qu'elle dormait
bien quelques jours plus tard.
Ils
étaient des catholiques qui ne pouvaient pas décider s'ils étaient
assez catholiques pour élever leur enfant dans cette religion, mais
ils ont demandé un prêtre étranger en pleine nuit parce qu'elle
avait disparu!
Aucune
mention de Smithman, des accords ou de l'allégation de Martin Smith
selon laquelle Gerry serait Smithman.
Il
se moque d’avoir été fait arguido et d'avoir fui du Portugal
(tout était dans l’intérêt de bonnes relations internationales)
Il
laisse entendre qu’ils ont été exonérés en mentionnant qu’il
n’y aurait pas de charges. Aucune mention de la déclaration de la
Cour suprême portugaise ou de l’appel en cours ou de Goncalo
Amaral.
Pas
de message pour Madeleine, pas d'exhortation à la surveiller!
